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  Out With The Old, In With The New

  I don’t usually make New Years Resolutions. I’d rather NOT state what I want to do and then just do it. However, I’m starting to think there might be something to the accountability aspect of making a resolution that is important.

  So here goes:

  In 2012, I resolve to not date Mr. Right Now.

  There, I’ve said it. This might sound like an obvious goal for a single gal but I can assure you it has not always been my policy when dating. Most of the time I manage to meet someone who has some of the qualities I’m looking for and then I fill in the blanks with my own creative imagination. This has obviously not proven a successful strategy. The thing is, just when I think I’ve identified him, he’s sneaks up, disguised as someone else. He’s a sneaky fucker, that Mr. Right Now. His red flags appear more like maroon, cranberry, or cabernet. But I’m done kidding myself.

  This year I am going to pay attention to red flags when they boldly wave themselves in front of my face. I will hone in on my compatability profiling skills and when someone is not a good fit, I will walk away. I’m also making the commitment to rid myself of all those relationship “loose ends” that I keep for rainy days and ego boosts. After all, you cannot have space for something new and wonderful in your life if you are still clouding it up with “so-so” material. Therefore, I have come up with 10 beaus a belle will not be dating this year. For all the single belles looking for a healthy relationship, I suggest you eliminate these from your pink book as well.

  1. Mr. Potential: This is the guy who is still in the process of “figuring out what he wants to do with his life”, but it won’t happen while you’re dating him. A relationship will only serve as another distraction. In past years, I’ve defended dating this guy because I told myself that not everyone has had the opportunities that I’ve had in Chicago. The truth is, income and ambition have nothing to do with each other, whereas passion and success do. I will no longer allow “he’s really cute/has nice ass/rubs my shoulders” to compensate for unemployment.
  2. Mr. Prick: I will no longer date the guy who is really great, except for when he’s an asshole. I deserve someone who thinks I’m fantastic, because I am. The things that make me different, including my eclectic taste in shoes, should not be used as insults against me. I have a big group of intelligent, successful, and caring friends who think I’m amazing, flaws and all, and it’s time that I start dating someone who does too.
  3. Mr. Data Dater: Maybe this is picky, but I’m sorry, my hands are tired. Part of working from home means that I have to rely on alternative forms of communication all day long. Trust me, it’s easier for me to deny your date request via text too, but for fear of one day only being able to express my feelings with emoticons, I beg you: Pick up the phone. If I bite, the receiver is still there to protect you.
  4. Mr. Repeat: You’re tempting, and it’s flattering to hear from you again… and again. But if it didn’t work out the first time, there’s a good chance we’ll still be dissapointed the second time around (as well as the third, fourth,…). I’ll leave a small window open for those who have experienced major life changes or more than 5 years has passed. However, nine times out of ten we’d be better off if we just keep on keeping on, which is exactly what I plan to do.
  5. Mr. Enigma: You know who you are, you sexy MF. You are so hard to figure out, so I give up. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard, not in the beginning anyway. If you can’t clearly communicate what is going on inside that gorgeous head of yours now, then you definitely won’t be able to with the added stress of a crying baby/barking dog/nagging relative/overdue bill/home repair, etc. I refuse to be the only adult in an adult relationship.
  6. Mr. Needy: I’m a busy gal, and at times my job can be demanding. If you’re going to complain every time I can’t IM about the YouTube video you emailed me, lets go separate ways and find someone who can adequately meet our needs. I have a lot to offer someone. I’ll go out of my way to think of ways to make my man feel special, just typically not between the hours of 9-5.
  7. Mr. Lonely: I’m deleting this guy’s number from my phone/computer/address book. No one wants to be a backup plan, including myself, so I shouldn’t string you along “in case” things don’t work out with the 100 guys whose number I dial before yours.
  8. Mr. Fishy: Somethings not right and I just can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s that you don’t answer my call but send me a text 5 minutes later? Maybe you tell me the same story twice… every week. Maybe the last 20 people who commented on your Facebook page are women (with profile pictures that suggest they are auditioning for music videos)? Maybe you don’t answer calls when we’re together? For whatever reason, I suspect I’m not the only girl in your life, and 99.9% of the time I’m right.
  9. Mr. Just-A-Friend: This guy prefers to “take things slow” when it comes to everything but the bedroom. He’s constantly morphing from cat to mouse and you never know which one you’re gonna see. He’s the guy who makes you feel like you’re rushing things… after 6 months. This guy is great if you’re looking to waste time, but as I mentioned, I’m not. I’m going to leave Casual Steve to date other women while I find someone who can meet my needs.
  10. Mr. Magic: Here one minute and gone the next, otherwise defined by night and day. You’re never sure if he’s reliable to follow through with plans…unless they’re scheduled after 10 pm. Or he waits until last minute to make plans, all of which are also after 10pm. You wait up for him and sacrifice needed sleep to see him, and you can’t remember the last time he saw you wearing something other than yoga pants and Ugg slippers. I’m looking for someone who is excited to be with me, day AND night. Booty calls are so last decade.

  Delete, delete, delete… I feel better already.

  22 days on
  Independent Belle
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  Quick Bit From A Belle

  

  Hi from Henry!

  Hey Belles!  I’m traveling for work this week but in the meantime I thought I’d let Henry say hello since it’s been awhile since he’s made an appearance.

  Hope you are all having a great week!

  -Belle

  5 months on
  Independent Belle
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  Match Point: Belle Moves On

  I’m not exactly surprised with the response I received from my last post.  Friendships, relationships, romances, flings… regardless of how you define it, connections between people are complicated.  One of the advantages to writing this blog is that so much of the time I’m able to get a clear perspective on situations by hearing your point of view.  It’s therapeutic really.  For those of you who commented, you were all right… because there wasn’t a wrong answer.  We all make choices based on our past experiences.  For me, this meant listening to everyone’s advice and then taking an honest look at the facts. Ultimately, I realized everything that needed to be said had already been said.

  The other night a friend asked me for relationship advice and it reminded me of one of the last things I said to The Coach, which was this:

  “You and me are the only ones who will ever really know what happened between you and me.”

  To me, that meant that we already know the truth, more specifically, our truth. Details get clouded in breakups.  We choose not to believe certain things about someone we care about.  We tell ourselves we’ve done everything we can.  We tell ourselves the person is crazy.  We tell ourselves whatever we need to hear at the time to get through and get past whatever it is we’re holding onto or trying to forget. While we all reach out to others to advise us on important decisions, the most important person we should be listening to is ourself.  I receive emails every day containing stories, questions and dilemmas. I get text messages, phone calls and Facebook mesages, voicemails and snail mail.  I can think of maybe a handful of people in my life who haven’t asked for my advice on relationships. And while I don’t always have the time to respond to everyone, or the answers that you’re looking for, I hope by expressing my doubts and insecurities about The Coach (or anyone/thing else in life for that matter), it helps you work through whatever questions you have in your relationships. The truth is: no one but you will ever really know what happened between you and someone else.

  Having said that, we all reflect on our past relationships.  Most of the time when things end, there are questions that go unanswered.  The past couple of weeks, a lot of you have shared some of the questions that keep you up at night.  A lot of them I’ve asked myself at times so I’m going to answer a few with what I’ve found to be true based on my experiences.

  Does he still think of me? Yes, he still thinks of you.  But probably not the way you want him to and evidently not enough to try to reconcile.

  I can’t believe he hasn’t called: Is it really that easy for him not to call? He’s probably thought about calling you, but I promise one day you’ll look back and be glad he didn’t.  I can remember The Coach calling to tell me about something really great or something really bad and it would always start like this, “I know I shouldn’t call but “this” happened and you were the only person I wanted to talk to.”  I should have told him to call his new girlfriend and hung up, but I didn’t.  And you know what?  As soon as he picked up the pieces or the excitement died down, he went right back to where he came from. So believe me when I say: he might stare at that phone every day and want to call you, but be glad that he doesn’t.

  Do they look at my Facebook page to see what I’m doing? Oh Facebook, what did we do before you came to be such an integral part of our life?  We moved on a lot faster is what we did.  We didn’t torture ourselves with reliving the heartbreaking reality that it didn’t work out over and over.  He/She looks at your Facebook page, and if they haven’t then they will at some point.  Unfortunately, they aren’t looking at your page as much as you are looking at theirs.  Quit twisting the knife that is painfully protruding from your gut and “un-friend” your ex.  Then go to your Privacy Settings and add them to your Block List.  When you do this, not only can they not see you but you can’t see them.  You can always be “friends” again down the road, but lets be honest… you have enough friends.  I know it’s hard to cut that proverbial cord, but do it.

  Was there something I could have done differently to make it work? No, there is nothing you could have done differently.  If there were, the conversation would have started like this, “It would mean a lot to me if you would ….” rather than, “I want to see other people.”

  Why did they lie/cheat/disappear instead of being honest? He/She wasn’t honest because that would require a very uncomfortable conversation, and not everyone in life is loyal and respectful.  It’s very possible the end will never make sense, but knowing “why” doesn’t change anything.  Sometimes accepting reality is what helps your reality to change.

  Are they happier with their new boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe, but probably not.  My dad told me something years ago that was some of the best advice I’ve ever heard.  “Fundamentally, people don’t change.” We all have our deal breakers.  Whether you had any say in the end of the relationship, I promise one of your deal breakers was being violated and making it impossible for things to work.  Does this mean its your fault?  Of course not.  It means that you weren’t compatible.  It also means if he/she was deceptive/dishonest/unfaithful/selfish with you, they are doing the same deceptive/dishonest/unfaithful/selfish bullshit in their new relationship.  This is the lesson I learned most recently from The Coach. And be honest, do you really care what their relationship is like?  No.  It doesn’t change the fact that this behavior wasn’t okay with you.  All you need to know is this: all that chaotic bullshit they disrupted your peace of mind with, is now someone else’s problem. Everyone has their deal breakers, it’s part of who you are. Fundamentally, people don’t change.  And neither do you, (nor should you).

  How long before I’m over this person? However long it takes. Every relationship affects us differently depending on where we’re at in life.  Years ago I was engaged to someone I was with for almost 5 years.  When it ended, I thought I’d never move on.  And yet, within a couple of months I couldn’t think of a single reason we tried so hard to make it work.  When he did get married, I was genuinely happy for them both.  What I thought initially was devastating turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me.  I realized very quickly that while we were both good people, we were horrible together.  Dating and relationships are trial and error.  You learn something new about yourself from every person who comes in and out of your life.  You take the good lessons with you and leave the bad stuff behind you.  Everything thats happened to you or will happen to you is part of you becoming who you are supposed to be and in this case, ending up with who you are supposed to be with.  When things end, have faith that something better lies ahead.  Allow yourself to believe that things happen for a reason and focus your energy on discovering what that is.

  5 months on
  Independent Belle
• 

  The Coach vs. Belle: Halftime Report

  A Belle has been in a bit of a funk the past few days.  After three different waves of company this past month, I’m now back in my routine but it doesn’t exactly feel like life is back to normal.  In addition to empty nest syndrome, I’ve had something else on my mind as well.  Okay, someone.

  Here is a 30 second summary of pre-funk background to get you caught up:

  Some friends from back South came to stay with me for a week of Chi-town fun.  Phillip and Carson (husband and wife) are also mutual friends of The Coach, and as a result we all hung out together several times.  Overall, it was a really great week.  I was completely caught off guard by how effortless it was to be around The Coach again, given how difficult it was for me when things ended.  I know all of this sounds really positive, only now that our friends have returned home and we’ve gone back to our separate lives… I miss him.  Like really miss him.

  So was all the fun worth it?  Sure it was.  Even if we continue to live separate lives here in Chicago, I’m glad we were able to leave off on a positive note.  Looking back at how things ended last year, I still feel regret. The end felt like a can of coke was constantly imploding in my stomach.  Unpleasant seems too pleasant a word to use.  Mean is a more appropriate word.  We became different people in those last months, maybe in an effort to self-protect and maybe because we were stubborn and hurt.  Either way, the end result was that we went from being best friends who depended on each other every day to not being friends at all.  It felt like a death.

  After seeing him again, I feel like our conversation ended in the middle of a sentence.  In reality, it ended with me waking him up on my couch (after a late night of playing “beer pong” and “jenga” on Division) so he could get ready for work, while his current girlfriend blew up his phone repeatedly.  Not exactly the ideal setting for closure of any kind.  A part of me feels like this isn’t the way things are supposed end.  Maybe I’ll always feel that way when it comes to The Coach?

  What do you think a Belle should do?

  A) Call and see if he wants to come pick up his shirt and sunglasses, and see how things go?

  B) Call and let The Coach know I had a lot of fun and really miss having him in my life.

  C) Wait a couple weeks to see if he calls.

  D) Keep moving forward and quit looking back.

  Comment below or email me at Belle@IndependentBelle.com

  6 months on
  Independent Belle
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